Morgan Parsons Big Natural Tits
So it’s Saturday night and Single Black Female has surpassed the whole nine yards of fashion. Her Freshness has spent the entire day in pampering preparation. The mani/Pedi is gleaming with color; the hair begs to be envied and the dress embracing her curves will surely send naughty thoughts churning in the minds of men. All this to shoot the deuce to another Blockbuster night. After discouragingly casting the new age dating scene to the wolves, she decides to take Handsome Black Male up on his offer for dinner.
Thirty minutes into the date, she’s exhilarated and relieved that he hasn’t proven himself a jerk but a man of wit and conversation. She dismisses the fact that he didn’t wait for her to peruse the menu before ordering. But she figures she can work on that glitch later. When the food finally arrives, she bows her head. She thanks God that she finally has a night of male company instead of the enjoyable, yet redundant, companionship of her homegirls. Upon Amen, she slowly lifts her lids and sees a sight that quickly suspends her breath and widens her eyes in horror.
Clutched between Handsome Black Male’s hands were his fork and knife, slowly coming across the table. The look in his eye was focused and determined. The silver utensils inch closer toward her…and land directly in her plate. He saws off a portion of her steak and devours it until his taste buds momentarily climax, at which time he turns his attention to her salad.
Oh hell no.
*******
With the perplexing popularity of online dating as well as the social transformation of traditional dating, men and women alike have become dismayed with the process of courting. Frustration causes many of us to seek social solace in our crew of friends. And although we love our friends, hanging out with them every weekend gets stale. Dating can be fun and stimulating if done correctly. Instead of giving up on the idea of having worthwhile dates, maybe we should follow a few rules to ensure our dates are successful.
1. Do not eat off your date’s plate. I don’t care if you did pay for it. The bottom line is that he/she doesn’t know you like that. Touch the plate and end up in the emergency room with a fork hanging out of your wrist.
2. Drive your own car. This is especially for those of you into online dating. That way if the dude has the looks of Shabba Ranks and/or the demeanor of Charles Manson, you can inject some lead in your foot and leave him choking in the fumes of burning rubber.
3. To you online daters…meet on neutral turf. Stop inviting these people to your home and stop meeting at theirs. We live in an age where you can not afford to take people at face value. You have plenty of options: the mall, the restaurant or you can even double date for your first encounter. Use common sense. Don’t set yourself to get played…or worse.
4. Ladies, bring the loot. Don’t go on a date with nothing in your bra but flesh (or silicon). Don’t assume that your date is going to pick up the tab. Naturally, this is what women expect (and always will), but dating these days requires you to be prepared for anything. Stash your bra, girl.
5. Just be a man about it. Men, don’t take your date to an eatery, wait for her to order, and make the grand announcement, “Oh, I ate before I left the house.†Translation, ladies: “I’m not paying for your food.†(Thus the reason for number four). This would be the appropriate time to accidentally spill your apple martini in his lap.
6. Hygiene. I said HYGIENE. Don’t show up to the date smelling like you’ve been bathing in Grey Goose. True signs of an alcoholic: when the stench of every bottle in the liquor store is reeking from the pores!
7. Check the baby daddy/mama issues before the date. The last thing your date needs is for some deranged fool to come jumping out of the bushes dressed in army fatigue and face paint ready to rumble. Please check your baggage.
8. Role reversal. Ladies, stop being stingy. It really is okay to take a man on a date. Now, I personally would wait until after we’ve successfully completed a couple of traditional dates before taking it here. But you’d be surprised at how much he’d appreciate it.
9. The deal-breaker: the almighty octopus. Men, learn to control your hands. That touchy-feely mess is the quickest way to turn a woman off and get your number deleted, especially on the first date.
And a bonus…
10. Venues for dating. I often hear men complaining about the expenses of dating, especially if they aren’t guaranteed any ass afterward. (Ladies, surely you don’t think men date us to see how compatible we are with them). Brothers, in order to seal the hole in your pocket employ creativity when planning dates.
*Museums/Zoo. Most are very inexpensive and have free admission on certain days. They also offer other activities besides watching abstract artifacts or wild animals.
*Wine bars. They’re upscale and less expensive than restaurants. Many have lounge areas that are conducive to conversation. And after a few glasses you never know, you may get lucky.
*Ice Cream Shops. Cheap and effective on hot summer days.
*Picnics. The very least this requires is a couple of fried bologna sandwiches (act as you know), potato chips, a $12.99 bottle of wine, and two apple pies from McDonald’s.
If all these sound too corny for you, fine then. Go ahead and spend your car note on us; see if we care! We’d be much obliged to accept.
Until next time, happy dating!
By the way, I’d love to hear about your dating fiascos, so do share. I’m always in the mood for a gut-busting laugh.
Carlandréa is a freelance writer residing in Houston, Texas. Her diverse background includes songwriting, short stories, scriptwriting, and poetry. To co-sign, vent or reproduce an article email her at I_Muze@yahoo.com or comment in the Speak Out section.
